kayfabe

Gentrification Ruined SimCity

I moved to SimCity back in 1993. Back then it was a raw place. There were barely any police departments and you never wanted to get home after midnight. But even though the neighborhood was dangerous and the property values were perpetually low due to the proximity to a nuclear power plant, it was bursting with culture. SimCity was for the working people and the artists.

But then the yuppies came. All of a sudden, SimCity was a “cool” place to live. People thought the lack of police departments and the inadequate funding for roads were novel. So in the yuppies came, and they started building zoos, parks, and stadiums. They even built a statue of the mayor. What mindless slaves! So of course property values began to rise so that only the rich could live there. The city rezoned the surrounding dense industrial areas to dense residential and up went the condo highrises. Once they built a fusion power plant on the outskirts of town, the nuclear plant came down and the property values went even higher.

And so SimCity is over. The artists are out and the yuppies are in. I look around this place and I don’t even recognize it. Sure, there used to be fires, riots, and occasional UFO attacks here, but that was all part of the life. Now it’s bland and pathetic. I know I’ve gotta get out of here, move to another place that feels real. But I know anywhere I go, the yuppies will be right behind with their Urban Renewal Kits and their SimCopters, ready to ruin the next town and smother it in SimTowers.